Lindsay remembers the day in first grade that she couldn’t play with Abby at recess. She wanted to, but I had told her she couldn’t. I said that Abby wasn’t a good influence, and Lindsay needed to have more than just one friend. “So tomorrow,” I told her, “I don’t want you to play with Abby. I want you to find a new friend, instead.”
For Lindsay, this was the longest recess of her life. She walked around sadly, twisting her toe in the wood chips, and wondering why Abby wasn’t a good friend. Wondering when she would ever have a friend again.
Sadly, I don’t remember this day at all. I don’t even remember Abby. I do remember worrying about Lindsay’s friend choices and the patterns that she was establishing. I worried a lot.
But at present, from our perch in her second half of eight grade, Lindsay’s first grade friendships seem rather trivial to me. And I told her so. I said, “Oh, Linds… I’m sorry. I’m sure it wouldn’t have hurt you to play with Abby.”
So, Lindsay wanted me to tell you this. She’s thinking that you might have a kindergartner or first or second grader who has chosen a less than stellar friend, or has picked up some bad habits, or is falling behind. She wants you to know that parenting is a process and you don’t have put shellac on your kid just yet. There is time for some tweaking and fine tuning.
And in seven or eight years, you’ll realize that the one you’re making the most adjustments to is you.
Hmmm…I (respectfully) disagree. I think it was because you established “friend guidelines” over the years that she has chosen good friends…that and her relationship with Jesus.
I know that my mom was particular about who she wanted as our friends and prayed about this a lot – from birth all the way through high school (and probably beyond!). “Bad company corrupts good character.”
This isn't to say that I would never let my child hang out with “Abby”, but I would make sure I was right there with them, helping influence “Abby” toward the good instead of “Abby” influencing my child toward the bad.
Thanks, Heidi. I would have been even more dogmatic than you are back when Lindsay was in first grade. I just think time gives perspective on things that I was very dogmatic and insistent upon.
But you're right. Friendships are very, very important, and I definitely want to help my kids in this area.
In light of the fact that I am at the beginning of my parenting journey, and knowing that people change opinions on things over time…
What do you do/say to Cade if there's an “Abby” that he wants to play with all the time?
Thanks for the question, Heidi. I think I'd probably handle it similarly, but with a little less intensity. Like maybe I'd encourage another friendship by having a play date at our house. Or I would talk about what we look for in friends.
What I've come to realize, though, is that even the kids I would pick out as friends have flaws. And my own kids have flaws, too.
All three of my kids have picked really troubled friends at young ages. But as they've matured and become more wise, I've watched their choices follow suit. Not to say they're all wised up and ready for the shellack yet, but you know what I mean. š
The biggest change I see in myself is focusing on the heart of my kids and not being so insistent on the externals.
You're a great mom, Heidi. A REALLY great mom! Hope this helps.
I totally agree about focusing on heart issues. And I also know that every child has issues. There are some kids, though, that bring out the worst in my children. In this case, I choose limited interaction between my children and these kids. š
I think you're a great mom too. That's why I had to ask some more questions because this post didn't seem to accurately represent your parenting style.
Yeah, I can see why you'd say that, Heidi. But I'm glad that God is changing my heart in these ways.
Here's another way to put it: I think I look at things from a more long-term perspective now. I realize that the whole world is messed up, and so is our family. My only hope is in a redemptive Savior, not in my parenting. I really think, when I was so reactive and dogmatic and intense about things, I was putting my hope in myself.