I was angry this morning. Very angry.
For almost a week I’ve been without a vehicle, and whenever I find a nice one online, I show my husband and he says, “That’s too much.” But that’s not why I was angry. I was angry because there was finally a vehicle that my husband thought was reasonably priced. It had leather seat warmers and a DVD player and it was silver.
But before I could drop Ken off at work this morning and drive over to see it, the thing sold. So I was mad! Mad enough to make a growling sound and kick the air.
Our emotions are always little windows into our souls. So if I press my nose to the window pane of my anger, what do I see? I see a girl who feels entitled; who is convinced that she deserves a vehicle–one with seat warmers and a DVD, no less. I see an ugly, ungrateful, entitled heart. Not one that beats to bring glory to Jesus.
I had to remind myself that I do not, in fact, deserve a nice van. Especially not one that warms my bottom and puts my kids in a trance. What my heart deserves is ugly and dark and terrifying–it’s the future that Christ rescued me from.
Unless my anger is of the righteous variety (usually not the case with me), it should serve as a big, flashing signal, reminding me that I have become disoriented. Rather than kicking the air, I should be breathing it in, and thanking the Lord that he has provided not only this breath, but every single other good thing that I enjoy.
Oh, Shannon. I can so relate to this post. We live far enough from our nearest town that we need to buy a home there when our kids are ready for Jr. High. It's a few years off, but due to an oil boom in the area, house prices are going crazy. We decided after praying about it, that now was the time to invest. We knew a lady who had a perfect sized house that had been recently remodeled. We looked at it, and frankly, I fell in love! A month later, we decided to see how much she wanted for it. About $20,000 more than it was worth and more than we could wisely pay.
I had a little fit! For a few days!
And to top it off we found a little house that has serious age on it, and needs so much work! And so did my heart! And God slowly changed it, after I prayed and asked Him to.
We can afford this, put some money and work into it and have something that's comfortable, but not extravagant. And all without an extra mortgage. The best part is, now I don't HAVE to go back to work right away… I can wait, and seek God's direction in that regard.
It really makes me think about how spoiled I really am, and how much God has blessed me. I don't deserve any of his favor and mercy, which is abundantly clear when I look at my black old heart. Thankfully, He is full of mercy and grace. I just need to be a little more appreciative of all He HAS given me.
Traci, thanks so much for sharing this! Boy, that is so hard. I've thrown my share of little fits over houses, let me tell ya! But the Lord is so good to faithfully tame us with his perfectly timed trials, isn't he? And I'll bet you'll soon have a whole list of more reasons that the 2nd house was better. (The one about you not feeling trapped by a work situation is by far the best one!) Good for you. Stay the course. You will be blessed!