Are you bothered by a controlling mother-in-law, or a controlling sister or friend? If so, perhaps you’ve vowed that you’ll never be anything like her. But if you back the reel up a few decades, there’s a good chance this controlling woman in your life made the same vow, in response to her controlling mother-in-law.

Control is a problem that seeps into our hearts. Ironically, it often happens when we’re responding to “That Other Control Girl.”

Once, after I spoke on the topic of control at an event, a young mom, eyes brimming with tears, came up afterward to tell me a woeful tale about her uber-controlling MIL. I listened compassionately, thinking, “Really? Could this mother-in-law be any more horrible or exasperating?” Obviously, I was only hearing one side of the story, but the strain and grief on this young wife’s face was validation enough that the pain was real. And yet, there was another thing that showed up on her face.

She clenched her jaw, recalling the way her mother-in-law had imposed and manipulated. Her jaw became tight as she described her mother-in-law’s tactics and comments. Her voice was thick with anger and her hands were clenched in two fists at her side. As I noticed these things, I couldn’t help but think that she seemed rather… controlling.

Control is a problem we see in others. We rarely see it in ourselves.

Every time I hear a story like the one about this mother-in-law, I’m reminded of what I don’t want to become. The mother-in-law I don’t want to someday be. The pain and pressure I don’t want to create on my loved ones’ faces. And yet I’m not naïve enough to think it could never be me. In fact, I’ll bet the young wife’s mother-in-law thinks it could never be her, either!

As I’ve talked with women about this issue with control, over the past decade, I’ve noticed that the most controlling women think it’s the other person who has control issues. Controlling women are often blind to their own tendency to control. In fact, they think the problem is reversed; from their perspective, everyone else is trying to control them!

Don’t Control Me!

Now, it’s true that other people can overstep and try to control. Mother-in-laws do this. And daughters-in-law do, too. Caving in to that other Control Girl isn’t the answer. But if I’m convinced that everyone is trying to control me, it’s time to consider that I might be the one with the problem.

I heard about an elderly woman who came to a four-way stop and saw another driver waving for her to go first. But rather than seeing this as a kind gesture, the woman became irate, saying, “This always happens! They’re trying to control me! I will not be controlled!”

Can’t you just picture her glaring out over the dashboard, with her hands in a death grip on the steering wheel? , Can you imagine her granny shoe stubbornly planted on the break, until the other driver is forced to go first?

What a sad picture of where our struggle with control takes us. Even when someone tries to kindly yield, our obsession with control warps our perspective. We might intersect with the kindest, most generous people on earth, but in our control-craving delusion, we convince ourselves that they’re trying to pry control from our grip.

Intersections in Life

Life is really just a series of four-way stops, isn’t it? We intersect with people who are easy to yield to, and others who are more challenging. But if we’re the one bent on having control, we’ll approach every cross section with entitlement, skepticism, and angry resentment. The slightest tension or opposition will become proof that the other person is too controlling. When actually, the opposite is true.

Friend, God doesn’t want us to go through life shaking our fists at one another and planting our feet on the brakes. He wants us learn to graciously yield—not to other people but to Him. After all, God is the One arranging these spontaneous intersections—with mother-in-laws, daughters, neighbors, and friends, is he not? If He had intended for us to maintain complete independence and control (picture all of us parked in our garages with the doors down), he wouldn’t have crafted us to be interdependent people who need each other.

Our God doesn’t want us playing God in each others’ lives; He’s already got the God chair occupied. But yielding to him will always involve connecting with—and yielding to—other people. Including that other person who’s waving for us to go first.

Approaching An “Intersection”

Is there some controlling woman who’s driving you nuts? Does your mother-in-law make you crazy with her impositions and demands? Does your sister or friend nag or undermine? Does your mom manipulate or manufacture chaos?

Here’s the truth. You can’t turn another controlling woman into a sweetly surrendered woman of God any more than you can get granny’s foot off the brake at a four-way stop. And if you try to out-control the controlling woman in your life, you’ll only become just like her. There’s really only one person you have control over, and that’s you. But even self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.

You see, only God can transform us. And ironically, he often uses our encounters with that other controlling woman to begin the refining process. God often does his most effective work through the difficult people we encounter. This is where he teaches us to do the opposite of take control; he invites us to yield to him.

I’ve been noticing that yielding is something I must do long before I get to the four-way stops in my life. I must yield to God before I get to the meeting. Or before I have the conversation. Or before I see my son’s dirty socks on the counter. I often have to yield a dozen times before I even make it to the coffee pot in the morning.

But here’s the key. If I will crack open my Bible and inhale the truths of Scripture, then breathe them out in prayer, a power is unleashed upon me. The Spirit of God softens my heart, and makes it yield-able. This is how he fashions me into the image of his Son, who was more yielded to God than any other person who has ever lived.

Is it possible for me to become like that uber-controlling mother-in-law? Yes. For sure.

Would it be easy for me to slip into the pattern of gripping life’s steering wheel, determined that I will not be controlled? Yepper.

Would it be natural for me to grieve my loved ones and create strain and stress. Absolutely. I have no doubt.

But there’s another option. There’s another path. My decision is made little by little, over a lifetime of four-way stops. Today, I’m becoming the woman I will someday be. And the way to be a sweetly surrendered woman of God is by yielding repeatedly, over and over to the Lord.

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