The desire for it wells up from somewhere very deep inside of me. I crave it. I feel compelled to lunge for it; to do whatever it takes to have it. I feel an urgency to take control, wondering what might happen if I don’t!
And so I go for it. I leap for it. I run for it. I grasp it as tightly as I can and clutch it with all my might.
Then without comment, control slips through my fingers like a mirage. It flutters like a leaf, blown upward into heaven.
I see now that it was all a tease. I never did have a grasp on that blasted control.
This makes me angry and frustrated. I shout at it to get right back here, and jab my finger at the ground in front of me. Then I whimper like a child because I need it so badly. But control is not mine to be had. It doesn’t belong in my hands. It belongs in God’s.
I look up to search His face, wondering why He has taken the control I so deeply long for. Is He taunting me? Is He Indifferent and aloof? Does he even see me all the way down here, beneath his throne?
I wave my hands frantically, to let him know that I need Him to send it back down. I’m ready to hold on more tightly, now. I won’t let go this time.
There’s movement. He sees me! He’s stooping low. For a moment, I’m terrified, and then I see kindness in His eyes. He whispers something into my soul and I lean forward to hear it. You were not designed to carry the burden of control. Won’t you let me carry it for you?
And then He shows me His hands. His massive, wise, holy hands. They are good, God hands.
And at first glance I didn’t notice, but now I do! He’s holding something, there. Are they threads? They’re translucent yet as strong as steel.
I look closer and see a trillion plotlines being woven together in such complexity and beauty, such that I’ve never laid eyes on. His strong fingers are twisting and tying and looping the details together—details of people who are known and loved by Him—in intricate patterns so that each thread moves the story along toward a conclusion that fills my heart with such joy I can hardly breathe.
I can’t see the ending; I can’t see the full pattern. But I just know that it is good.
“It is very good,” I hear Him say.
But when I turn my eyes back to His face, He is gone. Hidden from sight. Just like that.
It was only a glimpse, but it was enough.
I am settled now, at peace with what I can’t see and what I don’t know. I no longer feel the angst in my soul, pressing me to take and keep and have control.
He’s in control, so I don’t have to be.
This was first published on KateMotaung.com as a “Five Minute Friday” post–a challenge for writers to share their five-minutes-only writing. Come read what 98+ other bloggers have said about “Control”–or better yet, join them! Five Minute Friday: Control
I need control so badly because Ive never felt like I’ve ever had it so I try to make it happen which generally has not worked out. I dont know how to trust God enough? But I would give anything to feel the peace that that would offer. I would give anything to be able to give it to him. Ive made myself sick with the worrying that I do. I dont know how to pray any harder than I do?
Thanks so much for your comment. I’m so sorry to hear of your worrying and lack of peace. I wonder if the Lord has brought you to this post to offer you new hope. Maybe?
My first question is: Have you asked Jesus to be your savior? He promises in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” Knowing the one who created you and who died on the cross to pay for your sin is the first step to finding peace.
But sometimes even Christians lack peace. I want you to know that God doesn’t withold peace because we aren’t praying hard enough or doing enough. He lavishes his children with peace and comfort and joy. All He asks us to do is trust in Him and not ourselves. Did you see the meditation cards I have available for free download? (Here’s a link: http://shannonpopkin.fistbumpmedia.com/meditation-cards-free-downloads/)
. Would you consider printing out the ones that mean the most to you? Just go over and over those truths and let them sink deep into your heart. Choose to believe the truth, not just with your head, but in your heart. Perhaps you could begin meditating on them several times a day. This helps reshape your thinking and prepare your heart for the work of surrendering to a God who sees us, cares about us, and is working things together for good on our behalf.
I’ve prayed for you just now, Sara. May you find peace and comfort in knowing that God IS in control, and you don’t have to be.
I want to cry when i read your reply to Sara because i am in need of much peace in my life. Peace elude me. I worry for my children. They are not saved. My son is living away from home and his work took a lot of him, working nights almost 20 hrs at a time. He has put on too much weight and not having enough sleep. No proper food also. I hardly see my daughter and she is a workholic. Dont have a regular family life and my heart is broken. I need a shoulder to cry on.. to get release.. it gets awful at times my heart screams..
Dear Jo, my heart aches over all the suffering that you face. I don’t think there is any pain like grieving for your kids and fretting over their future. But I do beleive that the Lord will quiet your heart if you will cast your burdens on Him.
One of my favorite passages of Scripture is Psalm 37: 1-9. I know it doesn’t fit your situation exactly, but would you read those verses over your situation? All the truth to soothe your soul like a balm. I also think there are lots of chapters in my book you would enjoy, and find comfort in. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” (Rom. 15:13)
I’ve prayed for you tonight, Jo, and I know that God longs to comfort you and quiet your restlessness with his love.