Do you struggle with anger?
This is Control Girl Question #2.
Do you erupt when something doesn’t go your way? Do you lose your cool over small, insignificant interruptions—either disruptions to your afternoon commute or your life trajectory? Do you inwardly (or outwardly) seethe at people who make your life difficult or who disagree with you over even small things?
Is there a chance that your anger is tied to a desire for control?
Once when our daughter Lindsay was about eighteen months old, my husband and I watched with amusement as she tried to climb onto the sofa, clutching all of her crayons. They were the big, fat crayons and she could just barely tuck them all into her grasp. Then, inevitably, when she tried to maneuver herself up onto the sofa, one or two crayons would pop out of her clutched fists and they’d all scatter.
We were amazed, at first. Why didn’t she just ask us for help? We couldn’t see why this was important, but her growing frustration showed how important this was to her. By the sixth or seventh time, she got so mad that she ran over and banged her head on the wall! So without her noticing, I slipped a few crayons out of the scattered pile and finally she was able to complete her goal.
She climbed up and sat back and sighed with satisfaction, clutching “all” of her crayons in her fists.
An Indicator
Often times, like eighteen-month-old Lindsay, we go through life stubbornly clutching some ideal. But then life bumps into us and causes our plans to scatter, and we get angry. Rather than going to our Father for help, we ignore Him and keep trying on our own—causing our anger on the rise.
Anger often indicates that we’re trying to control something which isn’t ours to control. Perhaps it’s another person. Perhaps it’s an outcome. Perhaps it’s something we hold onto for the future. But then control keeps popping out of our hands, and it makes us angry.
We need to recognize that there is a God, and it’s not us.
A Turning Point
For many years I didn’t connect my spewing anger with my underlying desire for control. I was getting bent out of shape over ridiculous little things like my husband not putting the glasses in the cupboard correctly, my kids pulling each other’s hair, and the dog throwing up on the carpeting. And then, there were the big things I wanted to control.
As I’ve come to understand this deep, unhealthy desire that I have for control, I’ve come to see anger as a dashboard indicator. The anger, which is obvious to everyone, often signals some deeper, heart level issue with control. So I’ve learned to ask, when I feel the anger rising, “OK, Shannon. What are you trying to control here?” Or, “What do you think you’re losing control of?”
Ultimately, I have very little control over how everything turns out. I can’t determine what professions my kids choose, my husband’s level of commitment to God, or whether the plane crashes with me on it. I can’t control the little things either, like where the dog throws up. If I do try to control these things, anger is often the result.
Here’s what God asks me to control: me. Self control is a fruit of the Spirit. That means as I surrender control to God, He helps me control my anger.
When I rehearse the lie that I have to take control and make everything turn out right, I will become angry, frustrated, and create tension wherever I turn. But when I remind myself the truth—that God already is in control, I can release my clutch on all the things too big for me to carry.
Hi Shannon, I took the test and answered yes to at least 1/2 of the questions. Earlier this year I had a tremendous desire to throw and break dishes, glass ware, anything. I thought it wold be very satisfying. Of course, I didn’t. That would be immature and not show control. Apparently I have a lot to work on. Thanks to both you and Pearl for putting me on a path to understanding myself and also for showing me a way out. I want God to be in control of my day. I know His way is the only way to happiness and maybe my wanting to control things around me is what has been keeping me from finding His peace.
Hi Kim. Thanks for your note! Are you a friend of Pearl’s? She’s been such a gem, helping me get the word out about the book.
Yes, I’ve often thought about the irony that we face as “Control Girls”–we want control, yet we lose control of ourselves! Why is that? I hope you’ll consider my book, which combs the stories of Bible women, looking for lessons, warnings, and new insights about God, related to this struggle of control.
For me, unless I deal with my underlying struggle with control, my anger issues grow. It’s been an ongoing struggle for me. Though I revert back sometimes, I’m finding such peace in surrendering control to God and embracing His plans for me, rather than holding so tightly to my own ideals.
Blessings to you, Kim. Thanks again for connecting.