To my married and dating friends, I offer these suggestions from my vast history as a Control Girl. Over the past twenty-five+ years, I’ve found these to be the five most effective ways to ruin Valentine’s Day.
Or not. It’s really your choice.
1. Create a secret mental image.
Picture some sweet, romantic thing that your friend says her husband always does on Valentine’s Day. Or maybe picture a scene from a movie. It might involve long stem roses or a candle-lit dinner out. Okay, do you have a crisp mental image? Now tell yourself that this is how Valentine’s Day should be, but don’t share this image with your husband. Keep it tucked away in your mind, where he can’t see. Then, get bitter and angry when he doesn’t meet your expectations.
Or… why not talk to your man and give him a couple of hints? Grin at him in a flirtatious way, and say, “You know what might be sweet on Valentine’s Day?”
2. Make rigid demands.
Say something like, “You better be taking me someplace really nice tomorrow. And I sure hope you made reservations.” Let him know that you have high expectations. He’s with a classy girl. Make sure he feels all kinds of pressure to surprise you with something big. Crack the whip. It’s Valentine’s Day, for crying out loud. He better have thought ahead.
Or… you could let him surprise you. Rather than demanding he meet your standards, you could let him decide how best to say, “I love you.”
3. Be hard to please.
Can you picture a child, with wonder in her eyes on Christmas morning? Be exactly the opposite of this. Fold your arms across your chest and give your husband a sullen expression. Dare him to try to please you. Sigh and roll your eyes if he tries anything remotely romantic. Be critical of any gift that he places before you. Tell him all the ways he has failed to please you, both in the past and today.
Or… you could go with the wonder-filled child-on-Christmas-morning expression. You could treasure any token of your husband’s love, and let him know how much it means to you that he thought of you.
4. Doubt his intentions.
If your husband or boyfriend fails to take you out or get you a gift, be fully convinced that this is because he doesn’t love you. It’s impossible for a man to forget or overlook planning for Valentine’s Day. Men are never busy or preoccupied with their careers in early February. If your boyfriend does try to pursue you with a romantic gesture, question his motives; he’s clearly just trying to make himself look good. If your husband tries to pull you close or kiss you, resist him; he’s obviously just selfishly trying to meet his own needs. Then if he gives up at the end of the day and goes to bed facing the other direction, It’s obviously because he no longer thinks you’re pretty. You have every right to be angry, sullen, and sad all day on Valentine’s Day.
Or… you could believe that your husband or boyfriend truly wants to please you. You could give him the gift of believing that he truly loves you and wants to (someday, if he’s your boyfriend) climb into bed each night with the beautiful woman he chose.
5. Be completely disrespectful.
Your husband spells love r-e-s-p-e-c-t, so make sure that you spend the day rolling your eyes, sighing, arguing, shooting holes in his ideas, and putting him down. Nothing tanks Valentine’s Day faster than some big bullets of disrespect. Nag at him for the way he picks at his toes or forgets his phone. Criticize him for not mailing your package or changing the light bulb. Treat him like you’re the mommy and he’s your little boy who needs constant reminders or threats.
Or… you could smile warmly and openly consider his ideas for what would make a great day together. You could let him lead and trust his judgement. But let me warn you… if you keep this up, he’ll think you’re making passes at him. (wink)
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For more on the topic of control and the tension and stress it creates for relationships, check out my book Control Girl. Or maybe start with the Control Girl. LInks below.
LOVE this! Thank you so much for this post. I sure wish I could have read this about 22 years ago. Would have spared me a lot of pain!
Thanks, April! Me, too. But thankful for every time God opens my eyes to my own sin, and helps me become a more respectful, loving wife. 🙂
Reblogged this on The Peaceful Wife and commented:
Wish I had seen this post earlier… but it is still very good! 🙂
Lol.
I have come to realize through site and regular interaction with people( men) that you just have to have your own life. The man is not your life he’s just a very little part of it. You must have your own friends,hobbies,life, and of course your own Vday plans . One of my good friends ( female)was my valentine while my boyfriend worked.
He is not romantic at all he told me he hates vday . He did buy me a bear as big as my body and a glass vase.
My birthday it a day after vday he said here’s your gift for both days . ????
I have no expectations for men.
Wow, Shy! Can you post a picture of your bear? 🙂 The first gift my husband ever gave me was a stuffed animal and he still hides it in various places (a drawer, a closet, etc.) to surprise me. 🙂
Your comment reminds me of another point I wanted to make. Like you said, setting specific expectations, or making a man our “whole life” will always prove disappointing. But, on the other hand, should we “expect” them to fail us? I don’t that’s what a guy wants, either. (Mine doesn’t!) It’s another form of disrespect, don’t you think? I always want to give my husband the idea that I’m optimistic and hopeful about whatever he has in mind. Just open, confident, and trusting. And look what your guy brought home? Now, how are you going to find room for a you-sized bear in your house? lol 🙂 I’ll bet your bear will get a place of honor, because it represents so much.
One more thing. I can’t fail to mention Jesus. A husband/boyfriend/friend makes a terrible god. Only Jesus fills my heart with enough hope to buoy me, and give me hope to face whatever tomorrow holds. But I’m glad I have my husband beside me as I step into each new day with Christ!
Long ago, DH and I decided that there are 364 other days of the year to show our love. We were increasingly put off with the commerciality of Valentine’s Day–it was just a big money-making day for retailers. PLUS, it was a day of expectations on my part and pressure on his, exactly what’s been pointed out in this article. And recently we’ve heard stories of how husbands have messed up the day so now they feel they must outdo the year before (or suffer the consequences), sometimes spending $400, with spa AND dinner AND jewelry AND candy AND flowers! so as to make the day special. What pressure on our men! The men in DH’s office are all nervous that day, hoping they are doing “enough.” So yes, I love each point of this article, if you’re celebrating. But we’ve found freedom from taking that Valentine’s Day yoke off our backs.
Great point, friend! This year, I made my husband a calendar, which cost >$10 and used a card I had bought years prior, which also had a big red x on the back, which I assume means I got it on a clearance rack! (I made a joke about how he’s trained me to be frugal).
His gift to me was a card with a promise of dinner out when our schedule allows. I was traveling home on Valentine’s Day and didn’t get in till about 8 p.m. And now we’re in the thick of a busy week. Pressure to make Valentine’s Day meet his or my expectations would have done us no good. My favorite part of last Sunday was sending each other little Valentine’s texts, reminding each other of our love, and looking forward to being together again. And that didn’t cost us anything extra! 🙂
If we hadn’t done anything to celebrate the day, I would have felt badly. I don’t ever want to “opt out” of Valentine’s Day. I’m so thankful I have a husband to celebrate with! But obligation, pressure, spending extra money? No thank you! I agree with you. 🙂 An un-yoked day of showing love sounds good to me! 🙂
Sometimes dropping hints or directly telling makes no difference whatsoever. My husband still does not choose to show me love in the ways that I need and not for a lack of communicating it. So, I take care of myself and my daugther on Holidays. I do stuff for him too (Birthdays, Anniversaries, Father’s Day). I have learned to fill my tank with God. Too many years of disappointment and ‘hoping’ got me nowhere except feeling rejected/neglected/unloved/forgotten. But Jesus has not forgotten me.
Heidi, I’m so very sorry for the hurt your husband has caused. I love the fact that you run to Jesus, and put your hope in Him alone. He alone is a good resting place for our faith and trust–whether we have a loving husband or not. I think you’re wise to divide up what you can and can’t control, do what you can, and leave the rest with Jesus. May you find every drop of comfort, love, and hope in Jesus’ love letter to you (the Bible) and in his relationship with you as His beautiful bride. No, you are not forgotten by Him. Not even once.