Whenever I talk about control, I usually open with a story or two that I’m hoping you’ll relate to; little stories about my attempts to get and take and keep control–sometimes over ridiculously small things. Like the time my husband kept moving the living room lamp closer to his chair so that the light would fall on his reading material. Every day, he moved it. And every day, I walked into the room, groaned in disgust, and yanked the lamp back to the center of the table where it “belonged”. Finally, I gave up and bought a bigger lamp.
As women, we can laugh together at our lamp-sized control issues. But I think you’ll agree that even our silly fetishes and obsessions have dark undertones. Why can’t we let things go? Why do we dig our heels in so deep? Why do we insist on our own way, to the point of destroying our most important relationships? We must admit that our desire for control isn’t very attractive. Control is far more costly than we first imagine.
So how can we overcome? That’s the question I always want to get to, when I talk about control. How can we overcome this desire that has the potential to ruin relationships and turn us into women we don’t want to be?
The Test of One Tree
Even before Adam and Eve sinned, there was something God put off limits in the Garden of Eden. One tree. Why? Because he wanted them to flourish, and this is only possible when we position ourselves under God’s rule. Will God be our God? That’s the question this off-limits tree posed.
God gave the tree a name: The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Hidden in this fruit was knowledge that God intended to keep for himself—the distinction between what was good and what was evil. As Adam and Eve walked past this fruit—dangling beautiful in the sunlight, God wanted them to make a daily practice of surrender. He wanted them to remember that he was God and they were not, and he alone would be the one to decide what was good for them and bad for them. He wanted them to trust that he was for them, even when he kept something from them.
Taking the Fruit, Taking Control
But you know the rest of that story. Rather than surrendering to God, Eve took the fruit and took control. Rather than deferring to God’s knowledge of good and evil, she wanted to see for herself. Rather than remembering that he was God and she was not, she tried to be like God. But she already was like God. She was created in his image. And yet this was her downfall.
Eve’s decision—not just to take the fruit but take control—invited sin, with all of its devastating effects, into the world. Her decision —not just to break a rule, but reject God’s rule brought the curse that we live under today. And we live out this curse, every time we choose control over surrender. We live as Eve’s daughters, when we decide what is good for us, rather than deferring to God.
Women, in particular, desire control in relationships. God said it would be that way when he told Eve, “And you will desire to control your husband.” (Gen. 3:16 NLT) Every time I treat my husband with contempt over something as ridiculous as the lamp’s placement on the table, my marriage echoes her consequence.
A Garden Reversal
But thankfully, there’s another way. Jesus came, showing us how to reverse the curse and live the way God originally intended for us–in sweet surrender to Him. If we want to look at an exact reversal of the Garden of Eden, we should look at the Garden of Gethsemane.
Jesus knew that the cross was before him. He kept telling everyone that the time had come. Just before his arrest, Jesus brought his disciples to the garden to pray. They kept falling asleep, but not Jesus. He was on his face in grueling agony before the Father:
He knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” (Luke 22:42-44)
Do you hear the beautiful surrender in Jesus’ words? Jesus is not like us. He is God. He could have avoided the cross and taken control. But instead, he surrendered to the Father. Jesus deferred God’s idea of “good”—which was not easy or painless! Jesus was in agony as he considered the cross before him. But rather than demanding his rights as Creator and ruler of the universe, Jesus set his power aside and surrendered to the Father.
Look at these beautiful reversals!
Eve saw a tree that looked very good to her. Jesus saw a tree that looked very bad to him.
Eve took the fruit and took control. Jesus took the nails and surrendered control to his Father.
Eve said, “My will be done.” Jesus said, “Thy will be done.”
Eve said, “I’ll decide what is good.” Jesus said, “I’ll let God decide what is good.”
A Good Cross?
On this side of the story, we see how very good it was for Jesus to go to the cross. We see beyond the bloodied face, digging thorns, and the jagged, torn skin. We see past the hands and feet with spikes driven through, and the ruptured side. We see further than the sneering, spitting crowd.
We see the empty tomb and the healed, resurrected, overcomer! We see Jesus, who rose up out of that crave and conquered death! Oh how very good this story is! How good God, the Father, is! And how good Jesus, the Savior, is!
Jesus died, not because of his own sin and rebellion—but because of ours. He took our place, our burden of sin, our penalty. He payed the debt of our sin so that we won’t have to! Yes, we will each die someday. The curse lives on, and death is part of it. But if we are “in Christ”, his story will become ours. We, too, will be raised up from death to eternal life! We too, will have the curse overturned!
The One Who Can Save You From Yourself
If you have never made Jesus your savior, I implore you to do so today! You must! I can’t even stand to think about you ignoring this gift of a grand reversal that Jesus offers you!
Because you have been born into a world of sin, you have–like the rest of humanity—plucked fruit that looked good to you, with no regard for God. Rather than deferring to God as your Creator and living in surrender to him, you have behaved as though you are God. In this you have secured a grim future for yourself–separated from God for all eternity in hell. We all have.
But today, you are given the glorious opportunity to throw off the curse and all of its horrifying effects! In Jesus, your life can be made new! Here’s how:
- Confess your sin. Tell God that you have refused to live in surrender to him. You have rebelled against, rejected, and ignored him. (Rom. 3:23)
- Believe in Jesus! He is God’s Son. He came to earth, tucked in human flesh. He died on the cross in your place, to pay for your sin. (II Cor. 5:15, Heb. 10:10)
- Trust God. Trust that he is good; that he loves you and is for you. Trust that Jesus’ death and resurrection is God’s plan for you to be saved from death, and resurrected one day, too! (John 3:16)
Notice that there are traces of surrender in every facet of salvation. We surrender by confessing our sin. We surrender by believing that Jesus is the way to be saved, rather than trying to save ourselves. And we surrender by trusting that God–whom we cannot see or hear–is good and is for us.
Won’t you surrender to God? Won’t you say, “Not my will, but yours be done,” as Jesus did?
Surrender has been God’s design for you since the beginning, in the Garden of Eden. He sent his son Jesus to show you how beautiful surrender can be! But just like Jesus’ climb up the hill of Golgotha with the cross on his back, surrender is not an easy path. It is an uphill, gritty climb. Yet surrender leads to peace—knowing that God is in control. And it leads to freedom—knowing that you don’t have to be. When you’re living in surrender to God, no longer do you have to clamp down or dig your heels in, convinced that it’s all up to you to make everything in your life turn out right. God’s already written the last chapter! Even death has lost it’s sting!
Surrender to God is the antidote to the curse of control. It’s God’s way of setting each of us free to flourish.
For more on this topic, check out my book, Control Girl: Lessons on Surrendering Your Burden of Control from Seven Women in the Bible. More detailed information on this book here. And download my “prayers of surrender” here.