Is the message of “Surrender” dangerous? Since I teach a lot about surrendering to God in my book, Control Girl, I’ve been asked this question quite a bit. Some people have offered angry challenges, taking up an offense for the woman who is being abused. “This is a damaging message for her!” they say.

Well, the last thing I want to do is damage women! So I’ve spent a lot of time—both while writing the book and afterward—contemplating: Is the message of surrender dangerous for some people? Does abuse automatically make this message of giving God control a dangerous one?

Sin doesn’t ever negate the truth, but it can warp our perspective and make us more vulnerable to deception. Pain makes us see things from a skewed perspective. So if you, or someone you know if in a potentially abusive situation, I pray that this post will bring clarity and hope.

Compassion for the Wounded

A while back, after my husband Ken cleaned up the kitchen and I said, “You missed some dishes on the table.” He replied, “Yeah, but that’s nothing new. There are always dishes on the table.”

I stopped short and tears unexpectedly sprang to my eyes. I looked at him and said, “OK, I just need to know. Are you saying I don’t do a good job keeping the house picked up?” My voice cracked and a tear escaped.

He looked surprised, then with sweet compassion said, “Oh, Honey… no! I was just teasing. You do a great job with the house!” He pulled me in close and assured me that he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings.

Now, this is a very strange and unusual interchange for us. I’m not quick to cry and I don’t get my feelings hurt often. But during this particular week, someone had hurt me deeply, and I had spent a lot of time crying. Even small, insignificant things–like my husband’s comment about the dishes–quickly caused me to spiral into hurt and self doubt.

For me, this was a bad week with extreme hurt. For some women, it’s a way of life. They have been so deeply wounded for such a long period of time, and by such significant people in their lives, that they are more tender than others. They are quick to question and doubt themselves. They’re also quick to lash back and become defensive. It’s because they’re hurting. They need someone to pull them in close and douse their pain with compassion.

Ultimately, they need that “someone” to be God.

In this series, I’m sharing some of the most common Control Girl questions I’ve been asked–either while speaking at retreats, responding to blog comments, or by individuals in the small groups I’ve visited. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I’d love to share what God continues to teach me about control. If you have a question you’d like answered, feel free to send it to me.

Also, you can sign up to receive this Control Girl Q & A series by email here.

Control Girl for the Hurting Reader

When I wrote Control Girl, I was very concerned for the hurting women who would one day be turning its pages. I wrestled with what these woman would find in the Bible stories I was cracking wide open. I worried about their view of God.

One of the most difficult stories to reconcile with my understanding of God was Hagar’s story in Genesis 16:6-16. In short, when Hagar ran away from what I think is safe to call an abusive situation, God sent her back. Here’s what I wrote about this on page 88 of Control Girl: 

In her loneliest moment of hopelessness, our Egyptian Cinderella

was visited by God himself. But the scene doesn’t go as I’d expect. I want God to come on the scene like a fairy God-the-Father. I want him to wave a wand, dry up her tears, and fix all of her problems. That’s what God does, right? Not exactly.

This time, he does the opposite. He asks Hagar to go back to the place form which she had just escaped, saying, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.” (Gen. 16:9)

I feel a bit disoriented when I hear these words coming from God’s mouth. He knows what Hagar will be returning to—the slavery, mistreatment, polygamy, and surrogacy! If I’m honest, it makes me wonder what kind of God he is to ask this of her. Going back to Sarah the Horrible? Returning to her second-wife-slave status?

What Kind of God?

I truly wrestled with this section of Scripture (among others). I noticed that many other authors who have written on Hagar have conveniently sidestepped this part of the story in which God instructs her to return to her difficulties. It’s not the sort of story that sells books. So why include it? Why take the risk?

Even more importantly, why would God take the risk? Since the Bible is a book designed to display God’s character that we might trust Him, how is Hagar’s story (and others like it) helpful? Couldn’t an emotionally fragile woman read this Bible story and misunderstand who God is? What if she was hurting too much to hear the true intent of God’s (or my) words?

As I wrote Control Girl, here’s the conclusion I came to.

It would be wrong to apply Hagar’s story by saying that God always directs women to stay in difficult marriages or relationships. He doesn’t! Especially not in extreme, abusive, situations.

[bctt tweet=”It would be wrong to say that God always directs women to stay in difficult marriages. But wouldn’t it also be wrong to say He never does?” username=””]

But on the other hand, it would also be wrong to say that God never asks a woman to stay in a difficult marriage or situation. He sometimes does. I give you Hagar.

Two Realities

Here’s the reality. There are women who do not see their controlling behavior as sin. They label their (normal, sinful) husbands as abusive narcissists and conclude that their (normal, sinful) marriages are unsalvageable. They have no idea that their controlling behavior has strongly contributed to their strained relationships. They have a skewed perspective on the reality they’re living in. (By the way, if you have a woman like this in your life, here’s a blog series just for you.)

But here’s the other reality. There are women who have been brainwashed by controlling narcissists. They’ve endured unthinkable abuse—both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And they also have a skewed perspective on the reality they’re living in.

And both types of women would be reading my message about surrendering control.

A Prayerful Response

With this in mind, I asked for lots of help. First from the Lord, but I also reached out to pastors and theologians, along with several friends who have endured abuse, asking each for input and critique. Then again, with my publisher’s editorial team, we thought through how to say what we wanted to say—and how to not say what we didn’t want to. And after much prayer and deliberation, I turned in the manuscript and it went to print.

Ultimately, I had to turn this manuscript over to God. I had to put my hope in Him to give clarity to each woman opening this book, and to guard against misunderstanding. And I hope you, will, too.

Your Concern for Her

I’ve heard from a handful of angry, frustrated, or concerned women over the years, who believe Control Girl has been (or could be) damaging—not for them, but for someone else. If you are that sister, friend, or mom, let me assure you: I want what you want! I want your daughter, sister, or friend to flourish in a safe environment. And I endorse your efforts to help her find balance.

Here is what I tell women: If your husband is behaving in a way, that you could call 911 and the police would come arrest him, and take him to jail, then you should call 911, there should be an arrest, and he should go to jail. I would never teach that Christians shouldn’t hold each other accountable; they should! And we know that in marriage and in churches, there has been a lot of abuse. We can’t turn a blind eye to the way that predators use teaching on submission to their advantage.

Some women have gotten this wrong impression from teaching on submission: If I submit, he won’t hit. But do you see how that holds the wife accountable, but not the husband? Spiritual abuse of power is when one person wants everyone else to be held accountable to obey God, but not them. But, God holds both accountable. Both!

We Are All Accountable

Control Girl is a book that focuses on women. It looks into the messy lives of Bible women, who have tried to take control in sinful ways. It points out the damage that women do when they take control, and gives them another option. This is not to say that men should not be accountable for the damage they do. They should! But women should, too.

Imagine that you are the mother of a son who is being brow beaten, emasculated, and nagged by a white-knuckled Christian woman. You see the damage she is doing, and yet your culture tells you that only men should be held accountable for their sinful, abuse of power.

Sister, our culture doesn’t get to decide right from wrong; God does. And he holds us all accountable.

The Beauty of Surrender

Control Girl invites women to surrender—not to a sinful man, but to God. It offers women who are in vastly different circumstances, and who struggle in completely opposite ways to bravely engage questions like:

• Is there anything I need to repent of?
• Is my heart resistant toward the Lord?
• Is there anything I’m holding back or refusing to acknowledge?
• What is God asking me to sweetly surrender today?