In this series, I’m sharing some of the most common Control Girl questions I’ve been asked–either while speaking at retreats, responding to blog comments, or by individuals in the small groups I’ve visited. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I’d love to share what God continues to teach me about control. If you have a question you’d like answered, feel free to submit it in the comment form below!

Also, you can sign up to receive this Control Girl Q & A series by email here.

Question: “How can I give Control Girl to my wife without offending her?”

A man wrote and asked, How would a husband present this book to his wife? Without getting the frying pan on his head? Good question! Here's my answer. Click To Tweet

This is one of the most common questions I am asked–often by a women at the book table, who really wants to buy Control Girl for her sister or daughter-in-law or friend, but does
n’t want to risk being offensive.

A man named “Rick” contacted me recently and put it this way:

“How would a husband present this book to his wife? Without getting a frying pan to his head?”

That one made me laugh. It’s a good question! But let me say that I’ve had husbands (and wives) thank me for the way Control Girl has helped their marriages. I’ve even had a number of people tell me Control Girl saved their marriage! I tell you that, just to motivate you; It might be worth the effort.

Here’s my response to Rick, and others:


I DO understand your conundrum. I’ve often said that it was not marketing genius to write my first book about a problem that no woman wants to claim! Who wants to write a book that nobody feels comfortable giving to their wife, mom, daughter, or friend? I consider it a pure miracle that God is using this book at all, let alone in the profound, life-changing ways that I’ve been hearing about. All glory to Him, since He gave me the words (and since I naively decided to share this message before I knew anything about marketing!).

For the husband or mother-in-law or sister who wants to share Control Girl, I do suggest treading lightly, but here’s something that might help: Try sending the Control Girl Quiz. You might send it to a group of women in the family, or a group of women in your small group or church.

If you’d be willing to read the book together, offer that! Say, “Anyone want to read this with me? I think I’ve probably got more control issues than I realize.”

Even husbands could offer to read the book with their wives. I do know many husbands who have enjoyed the book.

See what response you get, and—this is important—don’t try to control the outcome (wink).

One thing’s for sure. Only God can open a woman’s heart to consider this message. So I wouldn’t push it. Just throw it out there and see what happens. And PRAY!

What if She Asks?

Now, suppose your wife or sister or friend takes the quiz or looks at the book and asks if you think she’s a Control Girl.

Horrors, I know! But it could happen! So let’s make a plan.

You could consider saying, “Why don’t you read the book, and if it covers anything in particular that you want to ask me about, I’d be happy to talk.” That way you avoid a needless argument, if she’s only feeling defensive.

I’m Not Finger-Pointing Either

Perhaps it will encourage you to know that I’ve written Control Girl out of my own struggle—which isn’t over. In interviews, when I’m asked a question about when I used to be a Control Girl (as if it’s in the distant past), I’ll often say, “You mean, like yesterday?” Since control is something I’ll probably always struggle with, I’m not in any position to point fingers at anyone.

I also never tell a woman that she is controlling. I just ask her to consider whether she might have some of the same blind spots I once had. In the book, I’ve tried to be as winsome as possible, and invite women to find freedom from control’s grip.

Bottom line: I was miserable when I was trying to control everything. I was an angry, frantic, conniving, worried, overreaching, out-of-control Control Girl. And though laying down my burden of control seemed (still does) counter intuitive, it has brought the security, joy, and peace that my heart was craving when I lunged for control. That’s the message I want women to have. I’m guessing you do, too.

So, is God asking you to give Control Girl to a woman you know? Perhaps He is. Will you be obedient? You can rest assured that any transformation in her life will be accomplished by God, not you—and certainly not me. We can trust our good God. He’s in control!

Do you have a Control Girl question for this series? Submit your question here:

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Sign up to receive the series, “How to be Free of that OTHER Control Girl” by email here.


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