I can’t remember where we were or when he said it, but I do remember how I looked. I was wearing jeans with a green sweater that had a big cowl neck. I was leaning to one side with my elbow bent, my head propped up on my hand and my other hand resting on my hip. And he said, “You shouldn’t do that. You shouldn’t sit like that. You don’t know what that does to a guy…”

He was right. I didn’t know. But now I wanted to! And by saying I shouldn’t, I wanted to all the more.

It intrigued me that a girl could have some sort of magical power over a boy, simply by arranging her limbs in a particular way. It intrigued me even more that could have this power over this particular boy. I liked the idea that I had control.

Control Over Boys

The world will tell you that as a young woman, you should harness this power. You should showcase your skin, your curves, your movements—all in a way to leverage the control you have over a man. Actually, not a particular man; it’s men you’re after, says the world. You want to turn heads. As many as possible. You want to use what you have to gain control.

But is that really why God gave women our beauty? To turn heads, and leverage control? No, this the world’s way of distorting something good.

God designed for a husband to be attracted to his wife. He created this sexual attraction like a magnetic force, which will continue to draw a husband and wife together even after beauty begins to fade. And even in marriage, a wife isn’t given her desirableness to be used as a control tactic. When a wife tries to control her husband, she’s living out the curse that God spoke over Eve: “And you will desire to control your husband,” (Gen. 3:16 NLT).

And how much more so, when a woman uses her physical beauty as a control tactic with men who aren’t her husband.

Keeping the Secret

In her book, Secret Keeper, Dannah Gresh talks about the power of allurement that every woman has. And what puts us in the driver’s seat of that power source? It might surprise you…


Modesty is choosing to not disclose our allurement to every guy we encounter, but rather keeping it a secret until the time is right. Then telling that secret to one carefully chosen guy, who will want to keep that secret all to himself.

Some girls try to wield the power of their allurement too early, but they’re the ones who get hurt. Winning the glances of many men does not compare to winning the promise and commitment of one.

But modesty? you ask. Can modesty really be described as sitting in the “driver’s seat”? Isn’t it more like leaving the car in the garage? The typical girl today has the type of attitude that says, “Nobody tells me what I can and cannot wear…” Same with how she moves and sits and carries herself.

The Power of Modesty

Like all the others we’ve talked about, your decisions in this area of life will lead you in a direction. If you decide to use the beauty God has given you to gain control over men, you will—little by little—become a controlling woman. Perhaps you won’t always use your skin or curves; when your beauty fades you might wield your arguing or manipulating skills on a man. But the choices you make as a young woman are forming your heart and turning you into the older woman you will one day be.

Christian Girl, if you decide to use the beauty God has given you to gain control over men, you will—little by little—become a controlling woman. Click To Tweet

But the same is true about surrender. If today, you choose to “keep the secret” of your allurement under wraps until you’re married, those little choices all up to a direction in life. Having a surrendered heart before God in what you wear, the way you move, and how you carry yourself day after day is all contributing to the woman you’re becoming. And giving God control over these things will bring you far more security and joy than the control you have over boys ever could.

Have you discovered how to turn heads? Do you know how to gain control over boys, using how you look, what you wear, or how you move? Will you surrender this control to God? What if you waited until marriage to share the secret of your allurement? How might you start keeping your secret today?

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Do you know a girl, ages 15-25 who might be a Young Control Girl? Will you send THIS INVITE her way? 

Check out my Bible study, Control Girl: Lessons on Surrendering Your Burden of Control from Seven Women in the Bible. 

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